


Another Winter Story

by alteregoaud



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Give me appreciation ig, Han Jisung | Han & Hwang Hyunjin are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Is this Happy Ending?, Is this Tragic Romance?, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Open Ending, Other members are not here though, Slight fluff maybe?, Violinist Hyunjin, Violinist Seungmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29289771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alteregoaud/pseuds/alteregoaud
Summary: It is the same old story where a burnout violinist is trying to find the inspiration he found form the boy he used to love before.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Another Winter Story

People are standing up, giving him a round of applause for the performance he just finished but his eyes tried to search for a familiar pair of orbs only to be disappointed once again. The lights were blinding blue, red and yellow—-yes, it’s already about christmas and he’s been longing for a feeling that he can’t understand. Why does he even bother?

Hyunjin didn’t even like to play violin in the first place. The bleach-blonde boy was just supposed to try the instrument for fun and he didn’t know he’d find something more about it. Maybe it was his best friend, maybe it was the feeling he found within it, or maybe it was him all those time but he really doesn’t know. He can’t figure out what has come inside his head to start playing these masterpieces out in the public because now, he doesn’t know for whom he is playing anymore. It used to be for Seungmin.

“That was a great performance again, Mr. Hwang!” A girl, just about his height complimented him with a smile and Hyunjin already knew that she’s an interviewer from some paper in the town. Until now, he still can’t understand why everyone thinks he’s playing very well.

Before he can even reply, Jisung interrupted the lady by suddenly popping out of the blue and taking the taller boy’s violin from his hands. He dragged the older out of the halls and Hyunjin was surprised but followed anyway, leaving the lady interviewer at her place with no words to say. Jisung was laughing on the other hand, as if he just succeeded in pulling a very good prank to someone. It was some minutes before it sunk inside Hyunjin’s head as to why his friend was laughing so loud beside him. The taller blonde stopped from following Jisung, realizing he hadn't said anything after the younger dragged him out of the backstage and onto his changing room. There were less people around and no one could possibly be eavesdropping over them, that was when Hyunjin finally spoke.

“What is it?” He asked.

“You’re supposed to say thank you, right?” Jisung smiled, sitting on the bench provided for the visitors just beside the door. There are different kinds of clothes on the rack but it wasn’t for Hyunjin, oh no, it was for the theatre kids that are supposed to play some musical for the upcoming christmas day. 

Hyunjin stared for a moment, “Am I?” He asked and Jisung’s smile faded and deadpanned over the taller.

“You’re out of yourself again,” Jisung said. “Felix said we should go out tomorrow or the next sunday because he wants to buy something for christmas. We should come so you can breathe some air.” He said but Hyunjin just stares at him as if no words have been sinking inside his head.

And honestly now, Jisung is annoyed but he tried to understand. His friend is tired and just got out of the stage with hundreds of people watching him play some violin piece with tired and dead eyes, zoning out every now and then. It was even a relief that he didn’t zoned out in the middle of the performance—maybe it was because the older is already used to playing those notes that he can play it while sleeping. But that wasn’t an excuse for him to not get anything that Jisung is saying. Hyunjin has not been himself lately and every one of his friends knows that although it was just him, Felix and Jisung now.

“The first snow ended like 1 week ago,” Hyunjin smiled, putting down his violin to put it inside the bag. He looked at the mirror on the younger’s reflection, smiling bitterly. “It was all supposed to be today, right? 6th anniversary and we’d walk outside to the park and talk about how we first met.” The boy chuckles softly at that, simply remembering the soft memory of a past that he wants to take back.

Jisung didn’t say anything. He just sat there, understanding what pain Hyunjin must have been going through. But the more he watches the taller, the more he wants to leave the room as the atmosphere suffocates him from guilt and everything. He doesn’t even know what he was guilty about, he just can’t get out the pain from his mind. Was it his fault, or was it anyone’s fault? Nothing is really sinking but the pain just digs deeper inside their hearts, making a hole that no one seems to be able to take care of. If Jisung is already in pain, then what more has been Hyunjin feeling all this time?

They went home together with no words exchanged with each other and the next week, Hyunjin stayed inside his room. Christmas is nearing and yet he doesn’t feel anything but the coldness of the December breeze as it touches his skin every night with no one to warm it. Everyone is already excited with the gifts and everything but the blonde is inside his room trying to play some pieces for his own but got frustrated that he almost threw his violin out of the window. He tried reading some books to feel something but nothing is really working, not even the beer that is kept inside a small fridge beside his bedside table. He’s a violinist and he was supposed to feel something all the time (that was what they always say), anything that relates to emotions because that was the purpose of his performances—everyone called him the emotional violinist for all the emotions his pieces convey. 

And today was nothing new. 

Hyunjin paced to the rooms of his apartment. It was all glasses since it has the best view in the city. One look outside the curtains and you’ll see the beauty of the city he once called his home. It was still his home. But something is really missing with its walls and alleys. As if something was taken away from him, replaced with a bothering emotion he feels everyday. He used to be excited everytime he saw the view, sitting at the sofa in front of the windows as he and Seungmin would drink together. He used to love this city but now it was all black and white, duller than the skies before the storm. For the violinist, the one reason why he plays is gone and he can’t play the same anymore. He can’t find the reason to play anymore.

The boy puts down the cup of coffee from his hands, staring at the transparent glass-wall of his room. From his view, anyone can see the dazzling night city lights of the city he grew up in, but from down there, no one can see him. No one notices him, let alone see the real him behind the violin he plays.

7 years ago, Hyunjin just wanted to be a model, or maybe a normal citizen who takes the bus everyday to go to work and feed his family. Everything was simple back then until he heard a boy play a violin alone on a stage of an auditorium of their school. He can still remember how that boy smiled softly, eyes closed and head swaying with the notes that his bow and string was making. 7 years ago, everything was peaceful when he would just walk around the school with his friends laughing side by side. 7 years ago, the halls were as quiet as the air whenever he paced the same hallway everyday. 7 years ago, if he hadn’t heard that beautiful boy play his sweet instrument, what changes would happen?

That night, there was another performance at the plaza theatre where most of the people who know him will be there. It’s already the last day of his December night performances. Of course, Hyunjin would like to play for them but maybe not today. Not this night that he had been having a hard time getting out of bed, forcing himself to play his pieces with eyes deader than the night sky. Oh, how the dark skies are shining more than him. Hyunjin’s already done, and moving even more exhausts him as much as working out does. Oh, heavens, if he can just run away from this world he would. He would go and follow Seungmin everywhere he goes, and he would do anything to achieve that. Hyunjin doesn’t want to play anything tonight. Not tonight, please take away the violin from his trembling pale hands.

The tall blonde tried to find someone familiar in the crowd before he placed the bow in the right string but he didn’t find what he was looking for. Instead, he found Felix with Jisung by his side nodding at him and Hyunjin softly smiled back at them. He can’t back out now that he’s already on stage. He’s already wearing the suit that his mother gave him for the holidays and people are already watching him from their seats. He placed the bow above the violin and started playing something for the people that were watching him. He started to move his hands and the music swam in the air. His mother, his brother, the people he knows closely are watching him play for the last night of the theatre’s christmas musical and he wishes for one person to run and hug him tight after the stage. 

Hyunjin closed his eyes and he remembered Seungmin’s features whenever he laughs, whenever he’s mad, and whenever he playfully annoys him all the time. It was comforting to remember him in the middle of his performance when in fact, he’s already having a hard time to play. Seungmin is the only person he values the most and Hyunjin can feel himself getting immersed with the piece he plays, finding himself back at the day they met—in the auditorium where the boy plays alone for the people that don't even want to hear him play the instrument again. Hyunjin opened his eyes to see Seungmin at the same stage before.

“Nice performance,” Hyunjin blurted out as soon as the boy’s eyes opened and he saw how the latter was surprised. But he just chuckled and proceeded to ask the boy. “You did great with the emotion and stuff. How long have you been playing?”

“N-not much.” The boy stuttered, his eyes tried to focus on somewhere else “How long have you been listening?” He asked.

“Mhm, not much.” Hyunjin said, crossing his arms in front of him as he walked inside, sitting at the front seat. “You’re really good though, what’s your name?” He asked and the boy smiled softly again. He smiles like a lost puppy and it’s really adorable to stare at.

“Seungmin. Kim Seungmin.” The boy said and his voice echoed inside his room, as if it is to tattoo the name and voice inside Hyunjin’s mind forever. And it did—Hyunjin can’t forget him after that day that he started visiting the same room at the same time, hoping that he’d see the same brunette glasses-boy playing the same instrument again.

Hyunjin ditched his friends to look for Seungmin everyday. He lived his whole second year of junior highschool listening to the same pieces that Seungmin plays. He didn’t know that hearing him play the certain instrument would change him and everything about him after. 

The blonde boy opened his eyes once again after the last stroke of the bow and everyone was quiet. The last note is still echoing on the corners of the theatre, lingering onto the audiences’ ears. Everyone was in awe as they felt the strong emotion behind the strings his bow touched. Hyunjin doesn’t know what is happening but then everyone stood again, clapping their hands like there was no tomorrow. He bowed down before walking to the left side of the stage and their reaction lasted until he got out of their sight. Hyunjin remembered the first time he heard the people clap for him. It was overwhelming, yes, but what he really remembered about it was when Seungmin hugged tightly him saying how proud he was that day. It was the same month as today, but a week ago. The puppy boy asked him, ‘will you be my boyfriend’, 3 years ago, 4 years after they met each other and 1 year after Hyunjin took interest in playing the violin.

Hyunjin is exhausted but the overwhelming feeling of playing with so much emotion lingered inside his body that he can’t help but smile the whole time. He’s still in pain, but remembering Seungmin as a beautiful memory was nothing but a bliss for him. It was unreal. Maybe that was why the audience were in awe—because they felt the same emotion that Hyunjin played earlier. They felt the pain, and joy, the anger, the sadness, the guilt and fear, they felt everything that they were able to understand what was going on without having any context about it. They were amazed, and oh, how it really stayed inside their mind for days. It was Hyunjin’s own piece, and no one but his friends know for whom that music was dedicated to.

“You did well, honey.” His mother placed a kiss on his cheeks and his brother nodded behind. “That piece was wonderful, how did you even write it?” She asked but got no answers from his son. Hyunjin had become so quiet—-why can no one understand that he doesn’t want to talk?

His brother, Hyunjun sat down on the bench, smirking; “I bet Seungmin will be proud of you.” He said softly and they knew it was for comforting the blonde but everyone glared at him. Jisung and Felix shook their heads and Hyunjun smiled apologetically at them.

“You’re such an idiot, Jun-ah. C’mon let’s go home.” Their mother said, dragging the latter out of the room as he mouthed a little sorry for the older boy. 

Jisung and Felix chuckled. 

As soon as Hyunjin’s family got out of the room, there were no words exchanged for them again. No one said anything, the three of them just looked at each other awkwardly while fidgeting on their seats or playing with their phone. There is a new performance by the theatre kids later and yet no one is knocking on the door so the three of them stayed like that for minutes before Hyunjin finally sighed and looked up from the chair, “If silence could kill we’d be dead right now.” He said.

Felix and Jisung smiled, “It’s pretty awkward for us to be that silent. We weren't like this before,” Jisung said while looking at the mirror where the taller blonde’s reflection is seen. The two nod at them, “Wanna grab some late night snack at the store?” Jisung asked.

—––––

Now, there were cheap canned beers on their hands, music that is different from what Hyunjin plays at the stage blasting from the bluetooth speakers placed at the center table and potato chips and some ramyeon laying around the floor. There was also chicken on the plate while Jisung and Hyunjin were laughing from the joke Felix said. It was a mess, and it’s already the 22nd of December but the trio didn’t care because for once after a few months, there is no Kim Seungmin running from their minds.

“I used to love this beer at 11th grade,” Jisung admitted, “But then I realized I’ve been really wasting my years mopping over the fact that my father never liked me.” He laughed and then Hyunjin glanced at everyone—of course they already knew that. They already know everything about each other because they spent most years together.

“I’ve heard that story a thousand times already, Ji.” Felix said and high-fived Hyunjin who agreed with him. “Tell another story, you fucker.” He challenged and Hyunjin nodded drunkenly to the boy.

Jisung fell silent for a moment, head spinning like Felix’s and Hyunjin’s. It has already been their 10th canned beer from what they remember and they still have sojus inside the plastic from the store. The night is still too young for them to stop drinking and sleep. Hyunjin sits down on the floor, head still heavy from the drunk feeling. He’s smiling although there is really nothing to smile about but he’s still quiet—there is still nothing to say right now.

“I have another story,” Hyunjin suddenly spoke and the other two looked at him with waiting eyes. 

The blonde was hesitant but of course the other two already know the story. It wasn't news for them, and it still can hurt them all but Hyunjin wanted to tell them his side. The reason, the guilt, the feeling of losing someone that you never thought would leave you behind. Hyunjin wanted Jisung and Felix to know how painful the last 4 months had been. The wound is still fresh, and anyone can see it through his eyes if they wanted to. He doesn't know how to hide it anymore, he's just tired and he wanted to tell it. 

“He was playing a violin piece at the stage when we met. We were in the 8th grade I think, and we became friends without us knowing.” Hyunjin started.

The other two were staring at the bottle of soju that is now out of the plastic, and honestly they don't know what to say. There were no words to describe the feeling that they feel right now because it felt like they were taken back to the past where everything was once perfect. “We dated at 9th grade, I didn't know what the word gay was until then. Everyone hated us except for you two. Until we fell apart, and he left me behind…” Hyunjin said.

Actually, the boy doesn't know how to tell the story right. It was only the minor details, how they met and all. Hyunjin is still trying to forget the things he can hardly remember and it doesn't make sense because he's already forgetting it—but why does the feeling stay the same? Why does it still hurt when everything has fallen to its place? Jisung and Felix sighs deeply as they drink the bottle of soju from their hands, eating the leftover chicken on the plate and didn't say any word after.

It was just another winter story—where a boy met the person that will change his life and yet, left him with no hesitance.

———

The snow stopped falling 4 days ago. It is already the 26th of December. Felix went back to his hometown and hasn't come home to Seoul yet. Jisung on the other hand was staying at Hyunjin's apartment because the boy doesn't have any place to go to every christmas. It was because Jisung's parents are staying in another country and he's too lazy to go back and forth with an airplane ride just to see his parents for a week or so. That's why he just celebrated it through the phone with them along with Hyunjin's family.

Yes, the snow stopped falling but the cold air of winter hasn't passed by yet. There is still snow piled at the ground, played by the kids at the park and being shoveled by the older ones to the side. It wasn't a heavy snowfall but it still covered most roads and streets that they had to help each other out. 

Now Hyunjin is walking to the streets of Seoul early in the morning just to see people having fun around. No one really recognizes him that much since the instrument he plays wasn't that acknowledged by people their age. He's thankful at the part because no one runs at him and asks for autographs all the time unlike the famous idols around town.

Today, the blonde is wearing a thick beige coat and a black turtle neck inside. His hair falls at the collar of the coat since he's been growing it out since Seungmin left him behind. He's playing some music from his earphones as he walks to the library where he used to go with the boy. Hyunjin doesn't want to hurt himself, it's just so hard to stop the things that he used to do everyday now. Especially when it also brings back small but beautiful memories.

He spent the next hours walking around the isles and finding something to read when his phone rang and saw Jisung's ID at the screen, “What?” He answers.

“Where are you?” Jisung asked. His voice cracks and it's obvious that he just woke up at 11 AM. “You didn't even leave some breakfast for me.” He said.

“I didn't eat breakfast. Just cook whatever you want, I'll be back later. I'm at the library.” Hyunjin heard a low 'hmm' from the other side and the call hung up, so he put back his phone on his pocket and picked the red book in front of him.

While reading the book, Hyunjin didn’t even notice the time passing by. He told Jisung he’d be back later but it’s almost dark outside when he stepped out of the library. There were less kids and more employees walking home or waiting for taxis outside the streets. There were also some couples that are out for a date. It wasn’t even that late but there are also drunk ones that are walking badly on the street, getting avoided by other people. Hyunjin shook his head and walked towards the small cafe near the library. There were no texts from Jisung so he figured he might just be fine there, but he needed to go home immediately nonetheless or else the latter would be terribly worried for him by now. He has a mother’s instincts sometimes, one can say.

The walk home wasn’t that long compared for the walk to the library. He just found himself passing the same streets in 5 minutes and now he’s in front of his apartment door, opening his door with the passcode and seeing Jisung on the sofa watching something from the TV. Hyunjin smelled the dinner on the table and some chicken from the center table. Jisung must’ve been eating those while watching and waiting for Hyunjin. The blonde sighs, “I’m home.” He said.

“Yeah, I cooked something. If you don’t want it, just leave it there and buy something from the store.” Jisung mumbles, eyes still focused on the movie.

“Acting like you own this house, huh?” Hyunjin said jokingly, heading towards the table.

“You came back late, I figured I should act like I own this pretty apartment, right?” Jisung said louder than the first one while smiling.

“Yeah, and you’re also using my netflix account, you shit.”

Both of them laughed softly at each other and Hyunjin proceeded to eat the food that the latter cooked for them.  
When Hyunjin met Seungmin, Jisung, Felix and Hyunjin had already been friends for some time although the three of them only hung out every weekend because of their studies and because Hyunjin’s mother didn’t like any distractions from school. The blonde was a very obedient child, surprising news based on his looks. He didn't look like someone that would listen to their parents at such an age—Hyunjin looked more like a kid that would rebel at his parents just because they didn’t give him pizza for dinner.

On the other hand, Seungmin was the bright student. He always was. With that brown hair and puppy looking eyes, everyone thought that he was the student that will give you A+ all the time in any subject given. Well, it was true, but maybe it was too much because he can't really perfect everything but he used to excel in terms of music. Seungmin was the type of guy that is holding a music player on his right hand and a violin on the left. Everyone that laid eyes on him either got jealous or fell in love. But Hyunjin didn’t know him back then. He used to be a stranger until the blonde was ditching some PE class and saw Seungmin at the auditorium that day.

After that day, Hyunjin started to spend his free time listening to Seungmin’s practices. He even went to some of his performances just because and honestly, Felix nor Jisung didn’t understand it back then. The two thought that it was just because the blonde was tired and had nothing else to do for his free time—until they saw Hyunjin crying in the arms of the brunette, they realized that Seungmin was more than a person that plays violin. Seungmin was more than just a friend, even, because Hyunjin never liked crying in front of his two best friends.

“Have you ever been in love?” Seungmin once asked, his eyes are staring straight to the horizon of the sleeping skies. There were lesser stars back then, and there was no wind as well—it was peaceful, and everything is steady.

Hyunjin looked at the latter, “I don’t know. We’re only in the 9th grade, we can’t act like we know love.” He honestly said, smiling softly to the brunette as they eat their ice creams together.

“True,” Seungmin agrees.

But Hyunjin never knew why the latter asked it. Maybe because Seungmin is slowly liking the taller one already, or maybe it was just out of curiosity and it didn’t bother Hyunjin at all. He thought it was only some normal questions asked by some curious teenagers. It was just like that with the movies. He didn't think that it would be the start of something big between them. He didn’t know that it would be something that is worth their whole life… Hyunjin was so naive back then.

“Do you think it’s possible to even fall in love?” Seungmin asked once again and this time, they both fell into longer silence. 

The silence of doubt and fear. The silence that wasn’t sure what was going on between them—Hyunjin was scared about everything back then. He was unsure, he was worrying about everything at the same time. He doesn’t know if Seungmin was just curious or he was serious. He wasn’t sure if the words being asked were just Seungmin’s mind or heart. Hyunjin didn’t budge and he shrugged, leaving the smaller boy with his questions on the air, floating with the wind and the dusts of a mid-autumn night.

Months and months after, both of them got really close that they were inseparable. As if they’ve known each other longer than Hyunjin’s own friends. Everyone was just not paying much attention but Seungmin and Hyunjin hung out more than Hyunjin’s own friends already. 

“You’re weird today,” Hyunjin said.

“Hyunjun told me you like me,” Seungmin said and the latter turned away. He cursed his brother inside his head and looked back at the boy. “Was that true?” 

“N-no…” 

“You hesitated,” Seungmin grins.

“Shut up.” Hyunjin said and walked away.

Why does he even like Seungmin? It was weird. One day he watched the boy play his stupid violin and the next day, he was already falling in love. It was so fast that he didn't even believe it himself. What if everything is just a soft crush because Seungmin does make him happy more than anything else? But is having a crush also imagining your future together in a detailed way?

Hyunjin started playing violin as well. Just to see Seungmin more often, and because he also finds the pieces that Seungmin plays is really good. He did it for fun, and because it was fun to be with Seungmin. He had a hard time pursuing his parents but his mother eventually said yes. They supported their son. Hyunjin did his best practicing and learning that he was even chosen to do some of the performances in school. It was a fun experience. 

Months later, Seungmin and him are already playing on stage with a lot of people watching. A child prodigy but not really—because he doesn’t have a talent for this. It’s just luck that he was a fast learner and that he is having a great time with Seungmin all the time. Each performance, he would go up stage after the brown haired boy. They’d say their good luck to each other until one of the performances when everyone gave Hyunjin a round of applause. Seungmin is smiling widely, he was happy for the latter and they kissed.

The boy’s lips were soft, and sweet. Hyunjin’s eyes were open the whole time while Seungmin had his eyes closed. The taller one was shocked. He was just going down the stage and Seungmin came running to him with his smile plastered all over his face, and he grabbed Hyunjin by the neck and kissed him while the backstage crews were giving their cheers. Everything stopped for a moment and their voices were muffled that it almost got silent. Hyunjin didn’t hear anything but their heartbeats. Suddenly the world only revolved around them two. Seungmin pulled away from the kiss still with a smile on his lips, “Hyunjin. Can… Can you be my boyfriend?” He asked.  
“W-what…”

“I-I’m sorry, I-” 

Hyunjin’s worried eyes suddenly smiled and he nodded slowly, earning another cheer from everyone backstage. “Yes.” He said.

Sometimes… Hyunjin kind of regretted everything. If he didn’t ditched classes, if he didn’t see the latter out at the auditorium, if he didn’t spend so much time with him will he still get attached? Will the universe still give another way for them to meet? It hurts but in a beautiful way. He used to hate everything in the world but then Hyunjin met Seungmin. And Seungmin was beyond beautiful that Hyunjin started appreciating little things. They became each other’s universe, and seeing how everything turned out… maybe their galaxy can’t contain two universes. Seungmin was taken by the black hole, disappearing out of nowhere while Hyunjin still held on to their present and past, wishing that his universe would come back again somewhere, finding another way out of the hole he was sucked in.

—––––––

He woke up again crying, with Jisung’s arms around his arms, waking him up. 

Hyunjin’s eyes were tired. It’s almost the new year and nothing new is happening. Felix came back from his hometown, planning to meet with the other two. 

“Did you dream about him again?” Jisung asked. Hyunjin didn’t even know that he stayed from last night after they had their drinks again.

Hyunjin is tired of waiting for his universe. Maybe he already got sucked in so deep that he can’t swim back out, but he still has hopes. He still hopes that he will see Seungmin outside his door with his messy brown hair and violin. Hyunjin’s eyes quickly looked around, nervous to search for something that he stood up, stumbling to all of his things. “What was it?” Jisung asked but he didn’t answer.

He continued searching, and he’s already about to cry until he found a violin laying on the ground with the books he used to read. Hyunjin sighs in relief, “What was that?” Jisung asked again and Hyunjin took the violin.

“His violin.” Hyunjin said.

Jisung sighs, disappointed at what he saw. “Jin, you have to let go.” He said.

“I can’t. He’s my everything, Ji.”  
“I know. But he’s already dead,” Jisung said. He didn’t want to offend the latter but it’s the only way to wake him up from his fantasies. He needs to know that no one is coming back, that no one is going to knock on his door saying he’s back. 

Seungmin is dead. Kim Seungmin is dead.

“He’s going back to me, Ji. Please… Let me hold onto this.” He said.

Jisung knows. He knows that he needs to help his friend get over the person he loves but he doesn’t know how. Where to start, or what to say. He tried, but Hyunjin still says that he will come back home. Everyone knows he won’t but Hyunjin is already stuck up on his own reality with Seungmin’s voice and laughs, hugging him in his sleep and everything. Hyunjin is already fed up by his own fantasies… and he’s holding onto it so hard. Jisung doesn’t know how to help him anymore… he doesn’t know how to confess anymore.

—–––––-

December 31st, everyone is outside except for Hyunjin, Jisung and Felix.

The three of them are inside Hyunjin’s apartment where they are waiting for the firework show to start. The view is fine, giving them a great scenery for the show. Jisung and Felix came with beers and sojus, and chickens and others. Hyunjin is playing some music from the speakers, and he’s smiling. Genuinely. Jisung is watching him the whole time, dancing with the music. They used to dance back in highschool when Hyunjin hadn't met Seungmin yet. They used to be together all the time before Hyunjin made Seungmin his all. Jisung used to be the person that was always there for him—until Seungmin came and everything suddenly fell apart and held onto its space as well.

He shouldn’t be happy today because Hyunjin is suffering inside but Jisung is. He’s just happy. Not because Seungmin is gone but because Hyunjin is smiling, and dancing like nothing happened. As if he’s happy inside. Today he is, but tomorrow no one knows. Jisung doesn’t know. Felix doesn’t know. Even Hyunjin doesn’t know if he will be happy again tomorrow. 

Hyunjin took a drink and heard the fireworks outside starting up, “There it is!” He shouts at the other two and they went stumbling on the terrace, greeted by the cold breeze of the first day of the year.

They know everyone is already taking a picture of it, or shouting, or just plainly having fun and Felix is already shouting stuff as if someone is listening to him but Hyunjin is staring at the skies where the fireworks are fading with the stars. Jisung is staring at Hyunjin, hoping that no one notices him although it is really obvious. Felix is already drunk to notice it, though, and he’s already running inside the apartment with a canned beer in his hands. Sometimes it’s just weird having Felix around but it’s better than just staying with Hyunjin all day again… it’s just hard dealing with their friend all alone. Jisung is already tired as well.

Time passed by so fast that they didn’t even notice that it’s already past 1 AM. Felix is on the floor, still with his beer on his hands, snoring deeply. Jisung is at the sofa, watching Hyunjin while the latter is still on the terrace, watching the city lights although there is nothing to watch for. He just wanted some cold air from the new year’s night. Later on, Hyunjin started to cry and Jisung came running over him as quick as the lightning. “What? What was it?” He asked.

Hyunjin shakes his head, “I just miss him.” He said. “He used to celebrate new years with us. He used to hold my hand while watching the fireworks show, whispering me songs softly. He used to be right here… on your spot. I miss Seungmin.” Jisung sighs.

Of course it’s Seungmin.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know what to say.” Jisung said, “We also lost him but you love him so much.” He looks down.

“It’s fine. It’s not like I can bring him back now.” 

“Yeah…”

Jisung looked at him. Is he ready to say it? Is he ready to tell him out loud?

Hyunjin started walking inside his house. Jisung was still doubting whether or not to say it because it’s just been months after what happened and telling how he feels right now might be wrong—of course it is wrong, it’s just that, he’s hoping Hyunjin would agree on Jisung helping him move on. Just… maybe.

Jisung looked at Hyunjin once again and the latter was already on his bed, eyes closed, covered with his white blanket. He shakes his head, not now. He thought. Definitely not now. Maybe someday, when the winter falls again and Hyunjin is ready to let go of the winter he lost everything. Maybe someday when Hyunjin is ready to stop waiting for his universe to swim back up from the hole he had sunk in. Someday… when both of them are already ready to tell that everything will be alright.

Hyunjin is still lost because his inspiration is gone. His talent suddenly faded the moment Seungmin came out of his life. Everything felt so wrong, that pursuing the dream Seungmin first built was already draining the small light from inside his heart. Hyunjin wants to stop this, but when he opened his eyes the next day, he saw the same violin sitting with the pile of books at the corner of his room. He wanted to smile but he couldn't. Once again, his mind went blank and everything didn’t feel right. There was no spark seeing that instrument anymore… it just felt wrong in every part. 

“Good morning.” Jisung greets him with a smile, Felix just waking up from the floor. “I made breakfast.” He said.

And in that moment, he saw something from Jisung’s eyes. 

The same smile he saw from Seungmin back when they first hung out together. When Seungmin was telling him stories, when Seungmin laughed from Hyunjin’s jokes, when Seungmin was still alive. Hyunjin saw it inside Jisung. It has just been months, he’s not yet ready—but maybe this just means that he needs to start over. Maybe this is a sign. That he can still start over after everything. That he can still find a way back to the tracks, and he no longer has to wait for the universe that exploded right before his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> this became a bit out of story at the last parts. i've been out of myself lately it affected the flow lol
> 
> [curiouscat](curiouscat.qa/skizandtears)


End file.
